should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?

the man and the woman move towards each other during the part when she's referring to 'chasing pavements.' i feel like the act have compromised the relationship. i can't really explain. XD there's also the use of shadows as well, and it seems to tell a tale of its own. ^-^

interpretation (ahem): the love affair feels like a car wreck where both of them are victims ( enter major question mark here). the woman is questioning whether or not she should pursue the relationship even though it is hard for her--others came to help, but to no avail. U.U the mime movements and the shadows embracing appeals to me like that exactly is how she wants the relationship to be, but of course they aren't real. and then at the end both victims are carried away in different directions. gaaah, how symbolic. a metaphoric gesture that the love affair ends. hn.

This morning shouldn’t have come as a shocker. I should have seen it coming. For the past few weeks, there were hints and clues leading up to this. And then, this morning, everything exploded right in front of my face, leaving me stunned and slightly beyond freaked out. And the sad part is? I really shouldn’t have been.

All along I had been going through my weeks and weekends, totally unaware I was setting myself up for this disaster. What was I thinking? Well, obviously I wasn’t, because if I had been I wouldn’t have this problem staring me in the face.

So now, there is no place but to go but foward into this humongeous mess, to see if I can try and untangle some things and hopefully not hurt anyone in the process. I think I probably already have by being ignorant and letting this develop, but one can always hope not.

"I am fairy certain, that given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world.”

Okay, so it might be impossible to save the world, but the least I can do for now is just breathe…and try to save my little corner of existence. And if I fail? There’s always tomorrow to try again…Ha!

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Sometimes I am capable of feeling so much that I want to just release everything inside me, to the outside world, because others misunderstood something I said and I’m or frustrated or upset and just want someone to pay attention to me. And then I realize that this is the internet. And EVERYONE can read it. Therefore, it is not a good idea, and that is why, I have decided that I’m not sharing. I’m just going to keep it to myself today… novel idea, huh?

I want to share this wonderful quote by Carl Rogers:

"The very essence of the creative is its novelty, and hence we have no standard by which to judge it."

Exactly! I miss FFnet, I miss writing, I miss my friends. Hopefully I'd be able to update my stories soon. Blame it on the weather, grr. U.U

Till next time.

I want to run, light and fast down the old dirt road down at the bottom of the hill.  The air will feel cool and soft against me as I kick up dust behind me under a vast, clear blue sky.  

I want to drink sweet, refreshing, iced tea in tall glasses garnished with lemon, while wearing a weightless, silky sundress.

I want to mingle and laugh with total strangers under a pale moon, and smell the scent of barbecued hotdogs and campfire smoke wafting in the breeze.

I want to run through crystal clear, freezing water droplets exploding from a sprinkler.

I want to watch vibrant colors smeared across the horizon melt together and disappear into the shadow of the ocean.

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1. life’s thrown a lot at me recently but i’m (stubbornly) facing them all head on. no biggies. XD

2. the karmic forces are acting stronger than ever. i better shut my pie hole and start doing good things. we all get what we deserve.

3. i discovered the setbacks of superficiality. it doesn’t really matter if people look good or not (or if they fare enough intellectually, etc.). what really matters is the inner person. now i know why bliss is temporal. we focus too much on the form rather than on the substance.

4. i don’t really care what others think of me now. if they have problems with me, it’s theirs to keep.

5. pride is a darned sin. i need to learn how to swallow it sometimes. you should too!

6. oh, and (please) don’t piss me off. i’m a ruthless blabbermouth (at times) and i rarely take advantages to throw painful rhetorics for granted. then again, they’re just words. they don’t do as much damage as intentional betrayals.

7. die, teodoro. @@

i swallow my bitter pill. grr.
 

Well it’s a fact, everything is so temporary. So fast and fleeting, from the breaths we take to Time itself. The moments we futilely try to hold on to, the people we try so hard to keep, thoughts that keep racing through our heads, emotions that are just so volatile.

Maybe, I’m in the best position now to talk about impermanence. The kind of impermanence that involves the uncertainty of what I’ll be doing hours from now, days from nows, months, and even years from now. Everything is just hanging so precariously. Like in Limbo.

The unpredictability of Tomorrow drives me crazy! Reflecting on the how Time can be so hypersonic and how change is so inevitable, I realized that we’re powerless to change certain situations and circumstances but we CAN do something within the context of time, the attempt to encapsulate, to capture moments and make them real, to make them count and not allowing them to become some hazy blur of color, perhaps artistically beautiful yet remain undefined and muted nonetheless. We try to hold on, I try to hold on. Like I wrote in a prayer for class, "Teach me to let go of both what I have and don’t need that open palms receive Your blessings"…there is bound to be something or someone who’ll make you see the moments that are spectacular and alive and not as something transitory and vanishing. Instances that’ll teach us that letting go is not a sign of helplessness or inability but a mark of courage and our capacity to hope and have faith.

"Change is choice" goes a magazine editorial. I couldn’t help but nod and grin upon reading that line. To an extent, we still have the capacity to choose what we change unwilling to let the uncertainty of the Future get to us.

Maybe tomorrow…

I'll read a wonderful book

Maybe tomorrow…

I’ll discover a hidden talent of mine

Maybe tomorrow…

I’ll fall in love

…because I choose to see what the maybe-tomorrows may bring over the bland impossibility of despair.

I choose to act lest hope becomes half-hearted possibility.

Again I came home late, wet and grumpy from the uber boring fashion show. And then we pass by a couple making out on the street, as in full blast make-out session, goodness. So earlier I was browsing through my friendster page and you know what--it really gets me thinking whenever I see that line in the friendster profile that reads: "Who I Want to Meet:" It takes on a gazillion meanings so evident on the way people answer that question or rather, that statement. So some say "anyone", "my crush", "you", "God", "some monster or alien from their childhood", or whoever, the list goes on. But what happens when I think about it too much (which I know I shouldn’t be doing) I start thinking, WHO do I want to meet? I’d really love to meet my gradeschool teacher who’s been an inspiration, and number of teachers who’ve taught me a thing or so, my old friends, meet new friends, connect with relatives, hmmm…I’d like to meet a whole bunch of people. But there’s this nagging voice in my head that says "who do you want to meet?"…it may not sound any different but to me it’s a whole new different meaning, something that makes my pulse race and I answer myself truthfully this jumble of words:

I’d like to meet someone who’d sweep me off my feet, who I could sit with for the longest time and be totally me without feeling obliged to say anything, who’d make me forget that time existed, someone who would talk to my dad about gardening, talk to my mom about everything, someone who isn’t perfect who still forgets dates and details but makes up for it, someone who has insecurities but confident enough to acknowledge them, someone whose eyes light up when he smiles, someone whose eye crinkle at the sides when he laughs, someone who knows how to laugh out loud, someone who would talk to me ’til the sun comes out, someone who I could talk to, someone who’d appreciate ming-ming and could stand my brother’s temper, someone who could be a million things to me and I to him. Someone who’d make me sing those silly love songs and smile with a dazed look. Oh-cheesy-it-is but doesn’t it make life seem lighter?! Does he exist? The pessimist in me says no, the doubtful in me says no, the dreamer in me says yes but I say, "I don’t know and I’m yet to find him"…maybe, maybe not. I dare to hope. This comes to show that I have my hopeless romantic side. But don’t count on it to always to show.

So next time you ask me who I want to meet, you better make some time because it’s going to be one looooonggg answer.

These days, it's all about letting go.

These days, it’s all about passion.

It’s about drive, and inspiration, and I maybe even hope.

But most of all it’s about the new and the unsure and the going beyond my "safety zone". The letting go of the past but surely not its forgetting. Because there are always always lessons to be learned (and as much as possible never repeated).

---

Sitting with him and talking to him on that bench that sunny afternoon, I realised, it’s all over. Just like that. Thank you. No more. It’s one of those moments you imagined to more dramatic and more black and white like. I’m done done done with drama. It’s so liberating.

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I realised that there are just some things you just cannot change. Like that everyday commuting from home to school or the flickering of the computer screen or the food you eat at the cafeteria. But there ARE (after all) things that make the day something. For me, it’s meeting up with old friends or hanging out at the neighbourhood coffeeshop, or simply reading a good book. I have only recently discovered that passion does start with a spark and eventually illuminates life. I have also only so recently found passion in the mundane yet extraordinary. And I thank God so much for those moments. I am beginning to find something to smile about, to laugh about, to look forward to. It’s like doing things for the first time.

Think about this:

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

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We’ve become so jaded (as Aerosmith’s song goes) that we forget the giddiness and the natural high that comes with doing something we love. I know A LOT of people share my sentiments. That routine is simply crazy. I hear you. Find something, anything that makes you feel brand new ( was that lame or was that lame?hehehe).But that’s so true no matter how boyband-ish it may sound!

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And for those who forget how it is to have teeny-weeny spark in you, get in touch with an old friend, read your old diary, or listen to your favourite song. And maybe then you’ll remember how it felt like (and perhaps do something about it?)

Good luck!